Poor Millionaire

a follow-up poem

I know
it’s bad form
to tell
and not show

So I feel bad
about saying
in my last poem
[A Suitable Helper]
that my sister-in-law
was a malignant narcissist
without providing evidence

I wrote it
a day
and three years
after my oldest brother—
her husband—
died

I’d spent that third anniversary
remembering him
and thinking of how much
he held that wasn’t his

how much he bore
of others’ pain

quietly

alone

I wanted to give countenance
to his suffering
but I didn’t have time
to spell it out
so I took a shortcut

Something he
never would have done

So here are your examples
and you can decide for yourself
if I’m a liar
or if her behavior
is the nail in the coffin

A couple days
after this brother
was admitted to home hospice
our whole family descended
on his home—my mom
my sister, and my two other brothers

(a fourth brother had died
not quite two years before—
hopefully I don’t share
their dying-young gene)

of course
we’d been invited
though perhaps the dying brother
hadn’t asked his wife
if she was okay with it
because she didn’t seem
at all
okay with it

I was the last to arrive

When I walked up the driveway
she was sitting outside
in the driveway
with two friends

She didn’t stand up to hug me
when I approached
which was unusual
at least usually
recently

In fact
she barely acknowledged me
at all
also usually
unusual
recently

Though I later realized
this was what she did
when she was angry at me
but wouldn’t tell me
and that she’d done it several times
relatively recently

See she had this way—
subtle and confusing—
of acting in a way that was strange
or even rude
but then making you think
you were the one who was
strange or even rude
wrong and mistaken

A term I now know of
as gaslighting
but at those times
I just remember wondering
if I’d really experienced
what I’d experienced
but it was infrequent enough
and I didn’t see her often enough
that I just moved on

So she didn’t stand up
like she recently had usually done
but I shrugged it off
then went inside
to find one brother
not the one in hospice
asleep in a chair
and everyone else
sitting around the kitchen table talking

We decided to play a game

We were there
for many hours
for dinner even
and she never
came
inside

I learned later
separately
from the two not-dying brothers
both who were witnesses to it
that before I got there
our brother
with the brain tumor
who’d just been admitted
to hospice
(and would be dead in 16 days)
had not made it
to the bathroom
and had peed all over
their very expensive mattress
earlier that day

His wife
incensed
berated her in-hospice husband
for this
[surely calculated
definitely defiant
absolutely intentional]
accident

Yes, she was grieving
an imminent loss
yes yes yes

But in my experience
death just makes us more
of who we already are

There are many many
other examples
of how this wife
made life for Michael
a living hell
but his isn’t my story to tell
(Isn’t that convenient?)

So I’ll tell you
how she treated us

She kept lists
of our wrongdoings
then Michael would call us
individually
and go over
all our sins—
using the Lord’s name in vain
in front of their children
not writing thank-you notes
for the cheap Christmas gifts
she’d gotten us from Walmart
[that we weren’t thankful for]
slighting her in this way
or in that one
so many ways
we’d hurt her
we’d been sinful
we were abysmal humans

He would take up her cause
as if it were his own
and when you would say
“This sounds like Helen’s issue”
he would further protect her
and blame you

It led to many years
of my having little contact
because their righteousness
was hypocritical
and my rotten eggshell walking
was unpleasant

But amazingly
after his dire diagnosis
he came back to his senses
and stopped being her asshole

Reader, do you require
more examples?

Fine

I found out the details
of his funeral
via a story
on his daughter’s Instagram

However after I saw it
this wife had the ability
in her deepest grief
to text me
about a massage
I’d gifted her
six months prior

However, she just couldn’t
in her deepest grief
manage at that time
to let me know
the details
of my brother’s funeral

In fact
24 hours later
she still couldn’t bear
to get us that information

Who knows
how long she could have gone on
not telling us
because I finally let her know
I knew the funeral details
and asked
if I could pass the information on
to our relatives

Why so considerate?
you wonder

All I know
is I didn’t want to be
anything
like her

She tried to blame
withholding the funeral info
on her deep grief
but I couldn’t help myself
from reminding her
she’d had the wherewithal
to ask about a stupid massage

After that
my niece took command
of her mother’s phone
and responded
to all future texts

Need more examples?

You are a glutton
for my punishment!

After his diagnosis
she asked me to research
glioblastoma trials
my brother might be a candidate for

I spent hours
looking for options
sent her pages of notes
and links
then when I asked her
if any of them looked
like something for which he might qualify
she said she never looked at them

She’d also asked
if I would look into available resources
for support
for her

I found Facebook groups
in-person groups
a cancer-support organization
10 minutes from her house

She didn’t look at any of it
I know
because she told me

The same thing happened
regarding the opportunity
to talk to a friend of a friend
whose husband had the same diagnoses
as my brother
but who had survived five years

I offered to give my sister-in-law
this woman’s number
but s-i-l asked
if I’d speak with her instead

Of course I was happy
to do these things for them
hoping something might give Michael
more time

And it wasn’t like
I got nothing out of
talking to that lovely
and generous woman I’d never met
who gave me more than an hour
of her time
and who’d offered all sorts of ideas—
things they’d done to try to starve his cancer
things that had maybe even worked
given he was way out-surviving his prognosis

I organized all the information
into a document

A month later
I asked her
if she found any of it helpful
I wasn’t pressuring her
I was sincerely curious

“Oh, I’ve been so busy
trying to sell the business”
[the multimillion-dollar business
my brother built
with his own sweat and blood
that she’d soon be the beneficiary of]
”I just haven’t had a chance”

Poor millionaire

I began to think
she just enjoyed
knowing I was spending my time
on something she was never going to
spend a second looking at

If I had the time
to delineate
how she behaved
when our other brother died
you’d wonder
why I ever gave her
the massage
or anything

And I’d tell you
and I think it would be true
”That’s how much I loved
my brother”

So there it is
examples of why
I called her a malignant narcissist

If you aren’t convinced
I challenge you:
Go spend some time with her

i