College Essay

While I had visited my sister
several times at Niagara University
over long weekends
and my brother once at Holy Cross
I never did an official college visit
of my own
the kind where you take a tour
find out about its academic programs
its student life
its dorms
all the things
to see if it’s a good fit
if you like it

some of my friends
had taken road trips and flights
logging several tours at colleges
all around New York and New England
throughout Pennsylvania
and even into the South
over long weekends
and Spring Breaks
with their parents

I didn’t have
those kinds of parents

I’d thought about applying
to Holy Cross because
it was so revered in our family
our brilliant father
having gone there
his brillianter younger brother Paul
having gone there
and Tim being a junior there
when I was a high school senior

but it being Catholic
and me having recently been enlightened
how very misguided Catholicism was
I decided against

Besides
I knew what a hardship
sending Tim and Amy to private colleges
had been on my dad
I didn’t want
to be that kind of burden

Besides all that
I could see
there wasn’t money for Holy Cross
hell, there wasn’t money
for any college

Still…
I applied to three colleges
all SUNY schools—
as in State University of New York schools—
University of Buffalo, an hour-plus away
Potsdam State, three and a half hours away,
and University of Binghamton, two-and-a-half hours
—and a long shot—away

Since it was the most competitive
of the SUNY schools at the time
I knew there was little chance
I’d get into Binghamton
but I guess I’d heard
you should apply to a reach school

I wanted to see if I would get in
I really hoped I’d get in

Unlike the other two
Binghamton required an essay
I could choose from a few topics
I don’t know what they were now
I just know I chose the one about a hero
which was a challenge
because I didn’t have any heroes
so I just chose to write about Jesus

I did not run the essay
by a teacher
or a college counselor
I never felt particularly supported
by any of them in high school
I just wrote it at home
using pen and paper

I must have said something
to my dad when I finished it
because he asked
if I wanted him to read it

I didn’t really
but I felt like I should

It would be a great opportunity
to witness to him
another chance for him
to come to Christ

All I wanted
was for my Dad
to be saved

I stood there as he read it

It was probably only
two handwritten pages long

I watched his facial expressions closely
feeling embarrassed
and super uncomfortable
as he read my words

He kept his face steady
betraying no impressions
or reactions

When he finally finished
he held the pages out
to give them back to me

Then they started to shake
making a rustling noise
his hand tremoring
making sure I understood
my words made him shudder
with disgust
with horror

“Now that’s what I call Literary Diarrhea!”
he said
laughing at how hilarious
he thought himself to be

I took the pages and walked away
pretending not to care

I had done my work
It was up to God to change Dad’s heart

The essay and application
went with me to Marco Island, Florida,
because I had a few things
left to complete
when I went on vacation
the next day with The Fords

In the envelope
I included a check for the fee
paying with money
from my own account

I put it all in the mail
sending along prayers
that the person
in Binghamton’s admissions office
had a softer heart